


Movie Night ~ The Pack Takes In The Lone Ranger

by AgentAlexKrycek



Category: Teen Wolf (TV)
Genre: Angst and Feels, Batman References, Humor, M/M, Pack Feels, Popcorn, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Robin - Freeform, Silver Bullet, Slushies, Startle Response, Stiles' Fault, Twisted and Fluffy Feelings
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-15
Updated: 2021-03-15
Packaged: 2021-03-24 06:14:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,950
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/30067920
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AgentAlexKrycek/pseuds/AgentAlexKrycek
Summary: Things go horribly wrong when our beloved pack of misfit werewolves goes to the movies! The gang decides to take in the new Lone Ranger movie, and everything goes straight to Hell! Who said a silver bullet can't hurt a werewolf!? For dramatic purposes, In my little AU Lone Ranger is in 3D in my story. Silly Fun! (Warning: This was written in 2013 before the movie bombed, and while Armie was still sex on two legs.) Humor/Parody.  Pack bonding time!
Relationships: Derek Hale/Stiles Stilinski
Kudos: 12





	Movie Night ~ The Pack Takes In The Lone Ranger

Note: This story was originally posted in 2013.

Movie Night ~ The Pack Takes In The Lone Ranger by AgentAlexKrycek

"Oh my God, Stiles! I hope you're happy, I think you totally broke him this time! I think you broke ALL of them!" Lydia yelled in the theater's lobby, not caring who heard her. She was way too busy looking over a visibly shaken and shell-shocked Derek Hale, who, to the casual observer, looked dead-to-the-world ~ completely unconscious.

"How's this my fault?! I just suggested we go see a movie…," Stiles answered while flailing. "I'm the injured party here! I'm out the $200 I spent to get in and buy pack-sized treats, all of which I happen to be now wearing! Besides, why are Scott and Jackson totally okay then?"

"Who's okay?" moaned Jackson. "I think I wet myself, and my new Polo shirt is totally ruined, Stilinski!"

"Shut up Jackson! Unless peeing blue is a residual Kanima thing, or you're transforming into a freakin' Smurf this time around… that's just Derek's Slushee. You just want all of us to check out your package! Your big, wet, form-fitting package!"

"He he, yeah, that's true. But there is severe shrinkage going on down here, and I think I might be permanently stained. Damn, talk about blue balls! Who even orders Blue Raspberry anyway!? I didn't even know that was still a flavor in this century!"

Lydia interrupted, "Shut up you two! I really think he's catatonic…"

"Don't you mean wolf-atonic?!" Stiles quipped snapping his fingers. "Come on there big guy, snap out of it. You're giving Alphas everywhere a bad name."

"Stiles, this is serious!" She whirled on him, popcorn puffs still flying out of her strawberry-blonde hair. Stiles always thought Lydia looked good in whatever she wore. He was so wrong. She did not look good in Dr. Pepper, even though she was obviously an autumn. 

"So, why then weren't Scott or Jackson affected?" Stiles argued.

"I was looking at Allison," blurted out Scott.

"I was texting Danny," Jackson added.

"This is the Lone Ranger, it's totally harmless. You know, Johnnie D., and 'Hi Ho Silver, Away'… I mean who goes into a fugue-state at a damn Disney movie?" Stiles knew he was losing the argument.

"It's 'Heigh Yo Silver,' NOT 'Hi Ho,' Stiles. "Hi Ho' is something you yell to your drag queen friends when you walk into Jungle on a crowded Saturday night. And, if it so harmless, why is Allison checking out all the trash cans in our theater for poor Isaac then? No one has seen hide nor hair of that boy since the same scene! You didn't stop to think what seeing a silver bullet flying straight at your head in 3D might do to a born werewolf?! Werewolf senses and reactions are greatly magnified compared to ours… You set off some sort of primitive fight-or-flight reaction… I think you blew a fuse in his poor wolfie brain."

"Ha, that's not what Stiles has been wanting to blow!" Jackson yelled out, very pleased with himself.

"Shut up Jackson, or you'll get another Slush Puppy shower! This time - Red! You'll be very patriotic throughout the entire Forth of July weekend…. We got each other, wolfbutt?!" Stiles threatened.

"Shutting up, Stiles. Sorry." Jackson acknowledged.

"Silver Bullets?! Don't you mean 'Argent Ammo'…?" Stiles shoots back out. The joke falls flat. "Oh, come on, that was funny. Isaac will come back out as soon as he thinks the coast is clear. Maybe we should set out some kibble or something… Besides, I didn't think silver bullets even did anything to you guys anyways…," Stiles argued.

"I don't know Stiles, maybe it's a forgotten or repressed cultural memory or something. Maybe we should call Scott's Mom, she might know what to do," Lydia said, frustration and concern thick in her voice.

"Oh yeah, Lyds! Can I please make THAT call?! (Stiles puts his phone to his ear and pretends to have that conversation.) Hello, Melissa? Yeah, hey, it's me, Stiles. You might wanna sit down for this, Miss Mc… You know how we were going for a nice night out at the movies…. One second, everything was just fine, then, suddenly, it's snowing popcorn, candy, Slushees and Cokes! Well, Derek kinda freaked-out when he thought a silver bullet was headed straight for his head! You should have seen it! He musta cleared at least three rows! Yup, Straight up and gone! Jackson is blue from head to toe, Lydia looks like she used the popcorn machine as a ball-pit, and Allison's dress is literally stuck to her body thanks to all the dried sodapop… Oh, your son? Yeah he's just fine. He's just missing the most awesome movie of all time! Yeah, oh yeah, Armie Hammer is totally dreamy… No, it's a Disney flick, they can't show him shirtless. I know, right?! Refund please!"

He had gotten Scott's attention with the over-the-top sarcastic display, and his best friend crossed directly to him. "Hey, if anyone's gonna talk to my Mom, it's going to be me! Give me your phone, mine's still leaking brown liquid…," Scott interrupted. Scott took the phone, and walked away so that he could hear his mother with no distractions or drama. He was back several minutes later. "Mom says it sounds like a type of PTSD. Someone he trusts should talk to him, quietly and calmly and remind him of pleasant memories… Stiles, that should be you…."

"What! Why! I don't have any pleasant memories to share…" Stiles began a whole new bout of flailing.

"Look, it has to be someone he trusts and knows," Scott explained. "You know he doesn't trust me, and you've known him the longest of any of us. Plus, just think of how many times you both have saved each other… That has to count for something!"

Allison chose that time to escort a nervous, shivering, and visibly twitching Isaac to the lobby. There were still JuJuBes stuck in his beautiful blond hair, and his new silk scarf was ruined. "I found him in one of the 3D-glasses return bins. Good news is he's doing much better than Derek, but he could probably still use a valium, or a bottle of them…"

"Okay here goes nothing….," sighed Stiles. "Hey big guy, it's me… It's Stiles. You know the guy with the tastiest neck on the left coast… If you wake up, I'll let you lick me…(nervous laugh) We need you to come back to us, Derek. Stay away from the light Carol Anne…," Stiles said tentatively.

"Stiles!" yelled the pack!

"Sorry, I've never done this before! Give me a freaking break, alright!" Stiles continued more carefully.

⁍ ..."Remember the first time we met, Sourwolf? You yelled at me for trespassing on your land?

⁍ ...Then, the first time we talked to each other…? It was the back seat of my Dad's Police car… I lied and said you didn't scare me, so then you started to show up unexpectedly in my bedroom, at school, and in the locker room just to scare the hell out of me!

⁍ ...Then that time Isaac almost had my ass, but you saved me. 

⁍ ...Remember at the Animal Hospital, you were trying to get me to do something I really did not want to do, so you threatened me. But then, we never did anything, because Scott walked in just before I was gonna use that battery operated tool on you...

⁍ ...Remember that time with me, you, Danny and Miguel in my bedroom and we couldn't find you any clothes that would fit all those muscles! No Fit! Oh man, that was so great. Good times! 

⁍ ...Remember that time you pounded me so hard into the steering wheel in my Jeep. Man, that hurt! 

⁍ ...Oh, and then when Matt said we we're a pretty good pair, and I got be on top of you for several hours… 

⁍ ...Then, when we were hiding from Jackson, at the high school, and I kept you up all night long in the pool. Boy, was I exhausted and sore the next day! 

⁍ ...Then recently, in your new loft, when we were planning to break into the bank and you fisted me - hard! Oh my God, dude, did that hurt! My hand was sore for a week!" 

Hey, had that been a very small wolfie giggle Stiles just heard from Derek?

Stiles had been lost in his words, until he took a shaky breath and looked up. When he looked around the entire pack was staring at them slack-jawed, with their mouths hanging wide open, a look of shock, disbelief, and horror etched on all their faces!

"What?! Oh, come on! You guys seriously just need to get a life! Jeese, grow up will ya! You ALL have really dirty minds, that's what your problem is! I feel sorry for you guys. Yeah, I do!" Stiles yelled.

The silence is broken by a shrill, but albeit masculine, shriek coming from the head werewolf. "I think he's finally coming to," Lydia said, notably relieved.

"Uggh, where am I? What the Hell happened?" Derek asked confused. "I feel like I've been rolling around in wolfsbane, and boy does my head hurt… I mean really hurt, more so then whenever Stiles talks to me, and I try to follow his train of thought… Speaking of trains, what happened to the movie? I think someone ruffied my Slush-Puppy…"

"You had a little scare, Der, but everything's great now," Stiles cooed. "Whatdoyasay, let's get you home and to bed Sourwolf? I couldn't see very well anyways, there were way way too many cowboy hats in that audience."

"Sorry I made you miss the movie Stiles." Derek said, shakily getting back on his feet. "I was really enjoying it, you know, until…" The color drained out of his face again at the memory.

"That's alright, we'll find someway for you to make it up to me," Stiles said slyly.

"So, Stiles, you don't really think Armie Hammer is all that dreamy, do you? I mean he's kind of tall and lanky and pale…," Derek asked tentatively.

"..and he has those big blue eyes, real-ones not wolfie ones, and he's totally rich, and he has that whole secret identity thing going for him, kinda like a hot blond Batman…," Stiles egged him on.

"Hey! I have a secret identity going, well more of an alter-ego really…once a month or so. And, like Batman, I look really good in black." Derek argued.

"Yeah, but Batman never needs a flea bath! And, if anyone here is Batman, it's me!" Corrected Stiles.

"Nope, you're more of a Robin there "Boy Wonder." I'd look really great in that George Clooney costume. You know with the accentuated nipples and the big codpiece. I do need the extra room down there... He he. Already have the muscles, real ones not plastic." Derek bragged. "Plus that cowl has room for my ears, you know, if I wolf-out or something."

"Uggh! No Derek! No one likes the Clooney costume," Stiles said with mock disgust. "And you won't catch me dead wearing the Chris O'Donnell costume! I sooner wear the trapeze green/yellow/red one from the original series!"

"Oooh, that's kinda Hot, Stiles! Would you really wear that for me sometime, friend-of-friends?!" Derek whispered in his ear. "If you're good Robin, I'll let you play on the Bat-Pole."

"Ewww. Stop it! I think we should swing by the hospital and have you checked for possible brain damage," Stiles stated.

On the way to the car, Derek whispered into Stiles ear. "Stiles, why is Jackson blue?"

"I'll tell you later, Dude. But, It was so freaking awesome!" 

~The End~

**Author's Note:**

> Postscript: Thank you guys so much for taking the time out to read! 
> 
> Sidenote: This is a "Thank You" for all you wonderful readers who commented, FAVed, and PMed me on "Car Problems." You are all so awesome! (Car Problems was meant to be a one-shot.) This was originally written as the follow-up to that story, but after careful consideration, it did not fit the direction I wanted to take that story arc. So the two will be posted as stand-alones. I just wanted to do something to show my "Thanks."
> 
> Also, as someone with PTSD, I do NOT feel I'm making fun of the illness or people who suffer with it. If we can not laugh at ourselves we can not heal.
> 
> In my AU, both men are of legal age. I know it's confusing, deal with it! Unapologetic Sterek Slash. This is my third foray into the 'Teen Wolf' universe. Please be kind and constructive. I don't own anything Teen Wolf, but worship Jeff Davis for bringing these two wonderful characters into my life! Between Season Two/early Three timeframe. 
> 
> Please Review and Fav if you like it. No Haters Please! If you don't like same-sex love stories, then don't read. Simple. I live to hear from you guys! Rated Teen just to be safe. Fluffy feels, Love, and some Angst.  
> Now go out there and see The Lone Ranger, someone you may or may not know may have been an Extra in this EPIC movie! ;-) Love & Light, Alex.


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